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A couple funny matrimonials

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

 These two ads are from the same day and I couldn't decide which one I wanted to write about, so figured, what the hey.  I'll just blog about 'em both.  And they are both full of win!


A wife wanted. - An astrologist and character reader wishes to marry a poor but respectable widow lady, without money or friends, from 20 to 30, now keeping house.  For particulars see each other's letters.  Address Dr. D.L.P.E., Post office, for three days, stating what address and number of house living in, and when to call.  Gentle reader please inform such a lady of this notice.

Run away!  Run away gentle reader!!  This guy is a scam artist at best!  Let's recap: he wants a widow only, without any friends, who is young, and please give your address so he can drop by any time.  I call Murder Most Foul!  He's totally a crazy sociopath, who likes to go around killing lonely women whom nobody will miss.  A widow because she's no longer under her father's household, poor because poor people who disappear attract less attention.

Okay I don't really think he's a murderer.  It doesn't add up.  But I do think his intentions are not good.  Unless he's like the greatest benefactor to womankind who specifically wants to marry a poor woman to save her.  Or he wants to marry a poor woman who is so desperate she'll be undyingly grateful, and have to do his every bidding...The possibilities for pure evil are endless!

Also, what's a "character reader"?  Is that something you can make money doing?  Because I think I'm pretty decent at reading a person's character, and if there's a way I could make a living by determining who is good and who is bad, I'd like in on that, please.

On a totally different note:


Now, ladies, don't all speak at once. - A talented, handsome, fun-loving young man, with a fair salary, wishes to form the acquaintance of a pretty, well informed young lady, with a view to matrimony.  Address, enclosing carte de visite if convenient, Harry Hillare, box 207 Herald office.

Ha!  I like a man with a healthy sense of self-deprecation.  He sounds like quite a catch if you ask me; I'm not sure why he thinks that women wouldn't be interested.  I mean, it's not like he should be arrogant, but it's not like he's saying he's poor, boring, and ugly.  So the opening line, however, amusing, seems a little out of place.  Maybe he figures no one is going to respond and he's just throwing this out there - like, why not, might as well.  I think that, if women were answering matrimonials at all (which I think they were), they would definitely have responded to this one.  Harry sounds awesome!  Harry, I'm available!

©2010 Pam Epstein

2 comments:

midnightvoyager November 6, 2010 at 2:08 AM  

Okay, I know this is kinda old, but I only have just found and been reading your blog.

Astrologist and character reader? Sounds like a fortune teller, more or less. My first thought was that he read his own fortune in whatever way he practiced and thought a lady fitting this description would be his true love. It may be a horoscope thing.

Pam November 6, 2010 at 10:06 AM  

It's never too late to write comments! I actually like your theory - he figured he'd get right on finding the wife prophesied to him!

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