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Friday, June 25, 2010

Holy mackerel!

Personal - Wicked lady in Palmer-House elevator: "Where, sir, is the Ingersoll floor, please?" "Down in the lower basement, I presume, madame."  An Egyptian [war?] look caused me to comprehend that she wanted the "entre sol" floor, first above the street and below my elegant suite on the parlor floor, where I am always pleased to have ladies consult me on everything related to physical and artistic beauty.  I challenge America or Europe to present one who has made a more earnest and successful study of those methods and arts which develop and beautify the physical of women; to display as many new inventions and discovers, marvelous experiments, or thoroughly beneficial results. 
There is not one other who has combined the callisthenics, hygiene, chemistry, arts, and literature of physical development and beautifying.  An honest work of near 15 years has taught me how to make beauty where it is not; also that I am fighting a century of fanaticism and prejudice, and am able to.  I am permanent in Chicago; bring my goods back when they don't suit.  The following every lady can do with my goods: Bleach the skin clear as a girl's without feeling or harm; remove all sallowness, tan, freckles, and moth-spots in a brief time; kill permanently superfluous hair, make te hair, brows, and lashes grow or color them permanently any shade, whiten the teeth, and remove "blackheads" instantaneously; polish or soften the nails; cure any case of pimples known, and increase flesh and develop the form rapidly.  I color or bleach hair any shade permanently and safely; remove moles, paint discolorations, and beautify with my arts beyond possible detection.  My Tiger Lilly (powder) sold by all druggists and Bernhardt Beautifier (liquid).  Rough and pencils make beauty beyond all comparison, and are not moved by persperation.  These things are positively harmless.  My elegant book has thousands of available things.  Call see it and consult me.  Palmer House, parlor floor; follow halls to the right to 117 Laboratory, 7, 9 and 11 Wabash-av.  De La Banta.
Whew!!  This guy could do anything!!  Hair, face, skin, want it done, De La Banta could do it for you.  I mean, he's capable of doing things that no one can even do today!  I wonder what happened to his secrets?  Why can we no longer buy Tiger Lilly and Bernhardt Beautifier?  (Possibly named for Sarah Bernhardt?)  Such a sad loss to the world of beauty products!

Seriously, though, this ad is not entirely unique.  People sold quack products all the time that were going to make you prettier, thinner, or have smaller feet.  But this is soooo long!  I can't believe this guy is for real...but how did he afford what must have been an incredibly expensive ad?  Plus, and most fascinating, is the opener: "Wicked lady in Palmer-House elevator."  WTF does that mean??  Is he reaching out to "wicked" ladies?  That's...bizarre. 

I dunno.  Thoughts?  I can't write anymore.  That took way too long to transcribe.

Having trouble reading the ads? Click one to enlarge!

©2010 Pam Epstein


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